My Body, My Blog

Since June 4 – roughly 3 months ago – I have lost around 35 pounds. I can wear clothes I haven’t worn in a while. I can walk up stairs with relative ease. Amazing, right? Well, under any other circumstances it might be. But, as regular readers know, I gave birth on June 5 and have been breastfeeding ever since. (It feels like constantly.)

The weight has just dropped right off – or at least it did until I went back to work. Now the long walks of maternity leave have given way to sitting on my butt and stress eating. And every step onto the scale triggers deja vu. Haven’t I seen this number before? Indeed it looks like I have hit the end of effortless weight loss at approximately 217 — 5 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight, which is not a level I was particularly happy with. Now what?

Well I have begrudgingly begun looking at things like skim milk and reduced portion sizes. I’ve been checking out gyms more seriously and have done a couple of workouts. I got a Wii Fit for my birthday (and it promptly told me I was obsese — what a birthday present?!). I’ve been cautiously visiting Weight Watchers Online and considering the Core plan.

But still, I fight it. I don’t think I’m ready. I kid myself that my eating habits aren’t that bad, but even just the last couple of days have included a couple of different candy bars and some ice cream, and that’s not including the chips and other salty snacks. And when I cook, I definitely use white flour, butter, cheese, and plenty of other non-Core items. I don’t know if I could successfully pull off dinner for the family (and me) without having these items in my bag of tricks. And I’m honestly afraid that making a major change would send me mentally reeling and rebelling. But I need to change something, or I won’t be slimming down anytime soon.

So, how’s this for a strategy? Eat smaller portion sizes, substitute fruit for junk, and generally try to raise the number of veggies in my diet. Reduce the number of times I go for creamy salad dressings. Avoid refined carbohydrates (bagels, white pasta) most of the time. Drink more water. And look seriously at our budget for joining a gym. I think it’s the only way I’ll get to exercise regularly — to escape the family for a few hours.

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I stopped writing this the other day, and now I see an amazing NYT article that seems to answer my self-questions for me…

From the article:

Marion Nestle, the New York University nutritionist whose book “What To Eat” (North Point Press, 2006) focuses on sensible eating, said she thinks people view food as the enemy, when the real problem is that they have forgotten how to enjoy food in a healthful way.

“If you’re eating something you really like, maybe you won’t feel like you need to eat so much of it,” she said. “If you want a muffin, then eat a gorgeous muffin with marvelous blueberries that’s moist and crispy on the outside with a little sugar on it. Yum.”

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P.S. I get to hang out with Dietgirl — yes THE Dietgirl — today, as she and her hubby are visiting NYC. So exciting!

Well, him and work…

I’ve been pretty much completely offline for a couple of weeks — visiting family in TX with the two boys — and I’m SO glad to be back. Loved catching up on the antics of my favorite diet/exercise bloggers tonight, and look forward to more updates of my own as I begin to return to a regular schedule (no more maternity leave) as of Monday. Yippee!

Here I am… showered, vitamins taken, teeth brushed and face moisturized. I’m even wearing clean clothes. Finally, I found some “me” time to do the very basics.

Next steps: find more “me” time every day to improve my fitness and eat healthfully. That’s what it’s all about, after all. It’s about taking care of myself instead of spending all my time on kid or baby or husband duty, and putting myself last. The past couple of weeks, especially when my aunt was here visiting, I got some glimpses of what it would be like to tend to my own needs again.

This seems simple, but one day I ran into a friend when we were both dropping off our kids at day care. I strolled along with her as she walked over to her gym, and she even gave me a tour. There we were, two women, walking along together, no kids in tow (baby was with my aunt at home). We could set a brisk pace. We could jaywalk. We could worry about no one other than ourselves. And then there was the gym. It was small, but nice, and close by. Hmm… I’d not considered it in my earlier digging (probably because I’d been thinking a lot about the rest of the family), but I found it had definite possibilities, and its proximity to the apartment is a big plus. After saying farewell, I popped over to my favorite bakery and picked up a couple of muffins for myself and my aunt.

Then, another time, my aunt and I were walking home from Target and stopped off to have lunch in this cute little restaurant in my neighborhood. The baby (picture here) did us the favor of sleeping the entire time. So, we ordered two lunches, split them both in half, and each got a taste of both. One came with a free half-pint of a draft beer, so I picked a local brew, which was as tasty as I remembered. We sat in this small restaurant, with wooden booths, exposed brick walls and gorgeous decorative light fixtures… and I felt like myself. I love trying new restaurants and this was just classic Pamela. Oh, how these small moments have helped me recapture who I am and what I want my life to be like.

For those of you without kids, it might be hard to imagine how these seemingly mundane interludes meant so much to me. With being pregnant, and now having my breasts given over to producing milk for the baby — not to mention the constant demands of the now-3-year-old — there just is so little time for me to indulge myself in my hobbies and interests. (Notice how long I go between blog posts.) However, I’ll soon be getting back to work — we’ve hired a nanny to take care of the kids when I return — and life will be getting back to “normal.” In there, somewhere, I need to keep these interludes coming. Time on the treadmill or out for a walk. Manicures and pedicures. New clothes. A night out with a friend. I can’t wait….

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P.S. I’m down to around 223 at last weigh-in (after eating and fully clothed), which is about 10 lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight. Haven’t made much of a special effort, but I have noticed that pushing a stroller with the 3-year-old inside can be a really great core workout, especially uphill.

Hello!!! I’ve missed this blog, and anything else other than nursing and mothering, over the past couple of weeks. It’s good to be back!

A couple of snippets of news. I’d reached around 250 lbs with the pregnancy, but lost around 20 just with the delivery. Approx 7 lbs of baby, some placenta, amniotic fluid, etc. — gone, instantly. Now I’m breastfeeding like crazy and hoping to drop some more poundage. The great thing is that I’ve actually been craving HEALTHY things, unbelievably. Fruits, whole grains, etc. have all been high on my list post-partum, and I’m just totally going with it. Of course, I’ve been eating the odd ice cream (and an occasional frozen yogurt when I go out), so it’s not like I’m on the picture-perfect diet. Still, it’s generally been good and there’s been no real binging. Weighed myself this morning and I’m down another 4 lbs. I think perhaps the nursing has gotten me hyper-aware of the “food as fuel” concept — if I go too long without eating it’s scary the way my body reacts, and so I want to keep it fueled up as effectively and efficiently as possible.

The current fitness plan (to begin in the next couple of weeks) is to do the “Couch to 5K” program, and pick a target 5K to participate in. Was thinking of the Race for the Cure on Sept 14, and still may do that. But my potential training partner (yes! I have one of those now!) will be out of town that weekend — though she’s still up for training with me, anyway. So I need to either settle on that race, or find another that we can both run in. Must scour local race schedule.

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One of the biggest weights on my mind may soon be lightened. We (finally) got an offer on our house, and our counter-offer was accepted. So we are in contract and set to close around July 20. It wasn’t that close to our asking price, but it looks to be fair, given comparables in the area, so we are pleased. The house (and the uncertainty surrounding it) has been sort of draining us dry, what with expenses like trash pick-up, water, electricity, gas, etc. that we’ve been paying for, but not using. Not to mention the mortgage! Anyway, fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly in the next stages of the process, and that we actually close as expected. It’d be fantastic to get that behind us, as we ramp up to doubling our child care expenses when I go back to work.

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What else? Well, things with the little one are really nice, though demanding. He’s eating and gaining weight like a champ. We are also set to go on a big trip for a family wedding in Italy. (Not that we can afford it, but they came to our wedding despite difficult financial circumstances…) So, that’s exciting, but I have nothing to wear! Ok, baby crying so this is a good time to call this post quits. Until next time…

Well, I’ve been a while in getting to post the news here, but, indeed, there is news. Last Thursday, at 10:15 p.m. NYC time, our little baby R. came to be with us. I ended up being induced, rather than going into labor myself. So, I’m still not quite sure if my body knows how to naturally go into labor, but it sure as heck knows how to respond to Pitocin. The entire labor process, including pushing, took just 4 hours. Thankfully, I had the epidural to kill the pain, which was intense. Anyway, I have been remiss in posting here, so I just wanted to jot down an update. More when I’m more free to post.

and still pregnant, 40 weeks and 1 day into the pregnancy. *Sigh* I go to the doctor on Thursday, if nothing has happened by then, and I guess we would talk induction at that point. Here’s hoping my body kicks into gear between now and then. I’d love to believe it “knows” when it’s time to start labor, and I’d love for that time to be soon!

A book I read last night described birth as one of the most important and transformative experiences in a woman’s life. No wonder, as I stand at the brink, that I’m feeling so emotional and confused and worried and even guilty.

It all goes hand in hand with how I’m feeling physically, which is actually pretty fantastic when you consider how I might be feeling at 38 weeks (ok 37.75 weeks). But, when I stand up, I get the distinct impression that the baby’s head is dropping down into my pelvis, and I waddle. Then, there are the contractions. They come and go — not super-strong but definitely present — which is just enough to panic me (is it time? should I be timng their frequency and duration?) when they’re occurring. When they stop, I feel a mix of relief and disappointment. There’s also this “boy that cried wolf” feeling, when I have told my husband about them. Will he take me as seriously next time, I wonder, if this particular contraction session turns out to be a false alarm?

Then, there’s the baby, who, reassuringly, is as squirmy and wriggly as ever. It’s almost odd how the labor and delivery looms so large, when the real rock-our-world experience will be adding #2 to our family. In these last few days, a new candidate for a name has emerged, ironically from a kids’ TV program. Should this one stick, we’ll have a lot of funny stories about its origins. Whatever his name turns out to be, I’m beginning to feel like he’s welcome to join us anytime. I think all the physical and emotional “tuning up” has gotten me ready, even if I still have tasks to finish here and there. There’s truly a delicate balance between finishing everything up and leaving enough to do to keep me busy and feeling productive. Will keep walking that tightrope, for now.

Still pregnant, and nearly 250 lbs, according to the doctor’s office scale. 1 cm dilated, which doesn’t mean much. Everything seems to be going well. It’s like eerily well, compared to my last 2 pregnancies. Instead of thinking this means that something’s bound to go wrong, I’m instead coasting along on the positivity, and I’m hoping the labor & delivery are equally as smooth.

I’ve always thought my uber-curvy body, my amazing fertility (never had to try more than once, and sometimes didn’t try), and my general monthly regularity meant I was particularly suited to be a mother. But, until this pregnancy, things never came quite as easily as I thought they should. Anyway, it could be any day now, but we still could be looking at several weeks. I suspect that once it starts, it will come quickly. The baby’s head is down already. Last labor (even induced) was only around 6 hours, which is quick — and 2nd babies usually come faster.

So, fingers crossed. If I am not able to check in again before the actual birth, I will be back with an announcement about the arrival. Also, I’ll be looking to step things up, fitness-wise, once I get over the initial survival hump, so this blog will go back to topic. Crank up that treadmill!

As my earlier-chronicled body woes have mounted, I’ve been giving serious thought to asking to work from home every day. It would save me from getting dressed in nicer-looking but fairly-constricting clothing. It would save me from tramping up and down stairs and sweating in crowded subways. And it would save me an hour to an hour-and-a-half of time wasted going back and forth to the office.

But… it would also mean I’d be at home alone all day — isolated and probably lonely. I might feel out of the loop at work, even more than I already do. I wouldn’t get the exercise of walking through my commute. I’d live in yoga pants and the like, which might get me down about my appearance. I’d also potentially feel like a bit of a failure, since my ever-expanding body would be keeping me confined to my home, essentially.

On the other hand, this is temporary. I’m 8 months pregnant, and I need to take it easy on myself. It’s cheaper to stay at home, too, as I’d save the commuting dollars and the expenses of eating out. I don’t interact much with the folks in my office, anyway — most of my work gets done over e-mail, or IM, or the phone.

Aargh. I really don’t know. I am already working from home 2x a week. Maybe I’ll just continue with this “wait and see” attitude until I get too miserable to continue the commute. As you can tell, I’m torn. I’m not ready to surrender to the pregnancy yet — though it will definitely happen, even if it’s at the moment I go into labor. I’m too invested in my job and I want to remain relevant as long as possible. Then again, why not go ahead and work from home, or take advantage of the opportunity and go out on (mostly-paid) maternity leave before the actual labor begins, so I’ll have a few days to relax? Hmmm…