My Body, My Blog

I’ve always resisted affirmations. For one thing, they usually sound so cheesy and new-agey, and who really believes that saying something can make it so? (All of the fans of “The Secret,” that’s who.) Anyway, I just thought it wasn’t for me.

This time around, however, I’m finding myself naturally, spontaneously, looking for positive things to think, to replace the negative things that normally fill my mind. I hesitate to even give the negative things the brain space they’ll occupy as I get them onto paper, but I mean things like, “I’ve been on WW so many times and failed,” and “I’m so deprived, why can’t I eat like a normal person?” Instead, I’m trying to come up with positive ideas — not crazy out-there ideas, but realistic down-to-earth things to think. Things like, “I am eating things that help my body work better,” and “I’m progressing to a place where eating healthy will feel more natural,” and “I love fresh fruits and vegetables, when they’re prepared well.”

I’m consciously deciding not to focus on some fuzzy future in which I can wear size 10 clothes and do a triathlon. When I start thinking about stuff like that, I inevitably get discouraged by the distance between that future and today’s reality. But the idea that I love broccoli (true, by the way!) is an easy and good one to keep in mind. The idea that this is a process — “every day, in every way, it’s getting better and better” — is a useful one, too.

Whenever those icky “I am a failure” ideas — complete hooey, by the way — come into my mind, I want to have something positive to combat them. Mental jujitsu. I wonder how many activity points that will net me…

Well, by some standards, my first few days on WW would be considered a miserable failure. I went WAY over on points, even counting the weekly “extras,” and this was just in the first three days or so. Thankfully, I’m not measuring myself by those standards!

I am looking at this whole endeavor as a long-term weight loss “caper” (to channel DG), where WW is helping me gauge the amounts and types of things I need to eat to lose weight. There will be learning along the way, and I’ll modify my habits to bring them in line with my goal. So far, I’ve learned that I need to keep lots more fruits, vegetables and other no- or low-point items in the house. I need to cook side dishes (I am the queen of the “one dish” meal) that are low in points, so I have something to munch on when the main dish is a bit rich, but not filling enough.

So far, I’m not giving up the “no artificial sweeteners” and “no fat-free dairy” mandate that I stated here a while back. I just plan to have smaller portions of “the good stuff” (TM).

Today is my first WW meeting. Actually I missed the first meeting because I failed to remember daylight savings time. But I’m going to meeting #2 of the day in just a few minutes. And I’m starting my WW week afresh.

I weighed myself this morning before jumping in the shower. The number I saw — 229 — was not only very close to 230, but it was also more than 10 pounds more than what I once thought was my “set point.” Slowly, or not so slowly, I’ve been inching up, day by day. My recent vacation didn’t help, either.

There in the shower, I finally came to a conclusion: I need to join Weight Watchers. My appetite and portion sizes, not to mention my food choices, have just become so out of whack that I need a jolt to the system. I need a little guidance to reacquaint myself which what’s normal, what’s good for me. Maybe it won’t need to last for long, but even a few weeks of being on program will help me get my bearings. Doing nothing is just getting me fatter, so I’ve got to do something positive.

So, I did. I came to work and took a minute or two to sign up for a monthly pass, which will get me access to all the online tools and as many meetings as I want. I got hubby’s blessing to do a meeting every weekend in our neighborhood. It’s only been 1/2 day, but I can see this continuing very successfully.

Because I’m still nursing the baby, I get some extra points — which I honestly feel like I need because I get low-blood-sugar crashes pretty easily. Generally, though, I think nursing is slowing down, as the baby is 9 months old today and eating plenty of solid food. So it’s getting to be time for me to take back my body — for good, this time, as I don’t expect to be getting pregnant again. I just need to make better choices more consistently, and ditch some of the needless extras that have added calories, without adding much satisfaction.

That step on the scale this morning comes after a vacation in which I reflected quite a bit. I also got to see myself through the eyes of my visiting brother and sister-in-law and their kids, and I wasn’t pleased with the picture. I also got to do some ice skating and skiing, which reminded me of the active athletic person I am, inside. It’s been a good week or so of thinking, and I honestly think I’m ready. I can’t imagine that this won’t be without some stops and starts — especially as I haven’t really planned out possible dinners for the family (a very important step!) — but I think it will come together and give me some much-needed awareness. For now, I’m actually feeling very full, after a vegetable-heavy salad lunch. I’m eager to continue along these lines.

Here we are, almost at the end of January, so it’s time for a wee check-in to see how I’ve been doing regarding my resolution to write down all my food/drink intake. How have I been doing? Uh.. not so great. SparkPeople, however free, was just a pain to use. I feel pathetically lazy saying this, but I just wasn’t interested in logging in and picking foods from a list (and stressing out about whether they were on there or not, and whether my approximations were anywhere close to the mark). I also don’t really want to count calories at the moment. Instead, I’ve now come up with a dead easy way of keeping a food diary that I’m rather proud of.

I am a big fan of Google Docs, which is basically an online, shareable version of Microsoft Office. I’ve set up a spreadsheet with the date in the left column, and slots for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks and general thoughts to the right. I’m pretty much always logged on, so there’ll be no need to type in a username and password. I can bookmark the actual document itself and go right there (and leave) anytime I want. And in my quest to be more accountable and reap the benefits of the community (you noticed my first-ever “before” picture on here, right?), I’ll share the actual document with you here. If it’s really easy, and it is, I figure I’ll be more likely to actually do it. We’re only 2 days in, but so far, so good.

I was super lucky and got to visit with DietGirl when she came to New York to promote her book on the Early Show. Now, I’ve just watched the video from the interview, and I think it turned out fantastically. What’s especially wonderful is that it’s a testament to why I started this blog, lo those many years ago. I’m still working on my weight loss, of course, and sometimes I feel like the lamest weight loss blogger in the world. But someday I’m sure I’ll look back — I can actually already look back — and be thankful for everything I’ve learned, and the friends I’ve made, in the process. It’s great knowing you’re all out there.

P.S. I also wanted to say I thought DG looked amazing in the video, despite eating soul food and risotto while in my company. She took a picture of me and, of course, I had the big revelation that I am actually fatter than I perceive myself to be, when I look in the mirror. Is this my “knickers on the washing line” moment? I hope so!

Ah, the predictable New Year’s resolution entry. I guess I’m switching it up a little by making it in advance of January 1 (if I manage to publish). Or maybe I’m switching it up by NOT resolving to lose weight. Yes, you heard that right.

What I’m resolving, instead, to do, is to begin journaling — writing down what I’m eating. I’ve been casting about for a tool for which to do this — I want to keep it super simple, and I was planning to avoid any calorie counting. But I’ve settled on the free (always a plus!) SparkPeople site. It’s full of advertising and super cluttered, but it’s fairly full-featured and seems like it will work for my purposes.

What are my purposes? I want to simply become more aware of what I’m sticking in my mouth. Lately, it’s been like “why not?” is the answer whenever I contemplate eating something else, even when I’m not hungry. I just want to give myself a second thought — time to ponder why I shouldn’t (or should) have that next bite, that next serving, that next whatever. Am I hungry? Am I thirsty? I need to pay more attention, and expect a journal will help me attend to such things.

As I’ve been wallowing in the pit of “something has got to change, but what?” I’ve started checking out the Dietgirl.org archives. Like from the very very beginning, when she was 351 lbs and first stepped on the scale at Weight Watchers.

What’s inspiring to me there is that she has these entries that hint at (or state) the kind of self-pity and self-hate with which I’m so familiar. There are posts when she talks about low points and feeling down. And, yet, she triumphs. I mean, of course it must be a continual struggle — you really can imagine it in those early days — but she manages to stay positive more often than not. (I am guilty, I know, of writing here when I am more negative, and want to spill my guts, rather than keeping a “chin up” attitude.)

I’ve got a lot more challenges than she. Every single morning and evening are spoken for by a certain pair of boys. (Like right now I can hear one creeping up the stairs while the other sits here in his jumping chair.) So it’s not just a matter of, “I’ll go to the gym tonight.” Still, it isn’t impossible, either. And I’ve got my husband’s support — at least he says he will support me, though his actions may be a little different.

The couple of times I lost weight successfully, life was fairly low-pressure. It was my last semester of college, when I only had a couple of classes left to go before I graduated. (70 lbs gone, but not forever!) And, another time, things were a little more intense, but I just had my food delivered to my door every day, so I didn’t have to make any choices (about 40-50 lbs gone and back that time). As soon as the stress ratcheted up, so did my weight. I’m not going to be able to re-create those situations now, that’s for sure, but maybe I tailor my weight-loss efforts to these times. I try to exercise 1x a week, rather than signing up for a triathlon. I can watch portion sizes more, banish “seconds” and go easy on the butter, rather than going gung-ho into low-fat, no-calorie everything (since I need to cook stuff that’s palatable to the family). Honestly, I’ve been eating so badly, and so crazily, lately — and it’s been ME, not the family — that there is plenty of room for improvement.

The question is, do I join WW online so I have some kind of points guideline — and risk feeling like a failure if I go over? Or so I just start doing it on my own, saving money and possibliy sanity — and risk failing for lack of accountability? I’m leaning toward #2. Just in the last couple of days I’ve been more mindful, paying attention to what I put in my mouth and noticing when I’m satisfied, and I already feel better. Maybe it’s enough to start like this.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend from college — who I’ve largely lost touch with since — asked me to be her friend on Facebook. I accepted, and then spent a lot of time scruitinizing her photos. Why? Well, I know from Googling, and from another friend, that she had weight loss surgery. And I am jealous.

I have mostly been trying to be at peace with myself at my current weight, and thinking I merely need to start exercising and eating better for my health, not for my appearance. But seeing this friend’s pictures, and observing my reaction to them, makes me realize that there’s a part of me that really would like to just be in a normal weight range. To be able to buy clothes in a normal store, or feel that, occasionally, I looked nice. These are things I long for. But how to achieve them?

I have rambled around, seemingly endlessly, on this blog, going from potential solution to potential solution — Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, home-delivered meals, anti-fat pills, mindful eating. It’s kind of depressing to think about it, actually. And I’ve gone through steady periods — 2 nine-month pregnancies — of not worrying about it much at all. But nothing has really stuck.

And it scares me, to really TRY something, to embark upon a journey of hope, and potentially of failure. Again. But it’s also clear that something has got to change. I catch myself, during times of stress — which is almost always, nowadays — stuffing my face with sweets, or whatever’s at hand, really. I seem to always need to be extremely full, but I don’t pay much attention to whether I’m hungry, or satisfied. My portion sizes are really crazy. I am almost always, always eating. Needless to say, it’s bad news — both for my health (mental) and for my appearance.

So, I’ve been pondering joining Weight Watchers online again. They have a new mobile application that I could use on my phone. Maybe I just need a little shock to the system — something to get me back in tune with my body, eating more fruit and vegetables, and aware of proper portion sizes. Obviously, I also need some exercise. I’ve got a bit of a plan in that regard.

And then there’s the part of me that just wants to SCREAM. I can’t believe I’m writing a post like this AGAIN! Haven’t I made ANY progress in all this time? *Sigh* I’m too hard on myself, I know. I’ve had two kids, nursing them both for quite a long time (9 months for #1, going on 7 for #2). I’ve moved across the country twice. I’ve settled into a marriage. I’ve held two pretty-demanding jobs. I just haven’t quite gotten the food and exercise thing right, and it’s festering.

Since June… or really since the prior September, all I’ve worn is maternity clothes. No, I’m not one of those freaks of nature who leaves the hospital with baby in tow while wearing her pre-pregnancy jeans. (I know you’re surprised ) And now, 5 months later, I’m all accustomed to my very limited wardrobe (now that it’s cold, I’ve only had 2 wearable pairs of pants, aka trousers). We just do laundry a lot.

There are a few reasons why I haven’t rushed out to buy new clothes. First of all, we’re pretty darned broke. This having-two-kids thing is a drain on the old bank account, especially given we’re “making payroll” every week, completely supporting another person, our nanny. Then, there’s the idea that I don’t want to make a big investment in togs that I’ll soon be unable to wear, after I slim down. (This one only has a tiny hold on my imagination right now.) But the most important reason is that I had this lingering feeling that there were a whole bunch of clothes sitting in a box somewhere (after our move), just waiting for me to discover them. After all, I had to have been wearing something back in September of 2007, and it wasn’t size 16, which is what I had readily available. Since I’d been wearing maternity clothes at the time we moved, I hadn’t paid much attention to where all my other clothes were packed.

I’d finally broken down this week and bought a pair of plus-sized jeans (18 Ws) at Target, and then, as these things usually go, we started going through boxes last night and uncovered 2 new pairs of jeans (20s) and a few new tops. I’d entirely forgotten about the jeans’ existence. Also, we unearthed some sweatpants for exercise and long-sleeved race t-shirts — so many memories in those race t-shirts. Yippee! I hadn’t realized, until this whole new wardrobe fell into my lap, how much I was eager to wear normal clothes. Of course, I’m going to be running around wearing jeans all the time, but that’s better than yoga pants, right?

So now, self-image-wise, I’m really transitioning to post-partum life. The baby started eating solid food — rice cereal — this weekend, so he’s on the road to being independent of me for his nutrition (though I still hope to breastfeed until he’s a year old). I’ve got non-maternity clothes to wear. Meanwhile, hubby went for a run this weekend, after which he felt really great and declared he is eager to support me in my exercise goals, too. My co-worker said she’d be up for training for a 5K with me in a few months, so we just need to identify the race. And we’re off….

Ok, so the inimitable DietGirl is linking to me today, so I feel like I need to be a better blogger and actually update this site. Welcome, DietGirl readers!

I don’t have tons to say lately, especially on the diet/fitness subject, but I will give it a stab.

If I wasn’t previously a believer in the set-point theory, events of recent weeks might convince me. While pretty much eating/exercising as is natural — which is to say, eating fairly crappily and not exercising at all, save walking — I’ve stuck nearly exactly at the same weight: 217.7-ish. There’ve been ups, and there have been downs, I’m sure, but this has been the story for months now. Hmm…

So, I obviously need a change. (Go, Obama!) Given the overall economic picture (both globally and in our wee household), I don’t think I’m going to be joining a gym anytime soon. We actually have a great arsenal of goodies to move me toward fitness. Just need to avail myself of them. Here’s what I’m blessed with:

• Good shoes
  
• A jog stroller
  
• Exercise videos (and some steps)
  
• A Wii Fit
  
• And a pretty awesome treadmill.
  

The challenge is still a 4-month-old baby who’s either screaming to be held or attached to my boob. And there’s also that pesky 3-year-old who regularly insists that I “play with me!” or wants to sit on my lap. Oh, and that little matter of a full-time job, not to mention a diminishing food budget and a dearth of time to cook. I’m not making excuses. I’m just still not focusing on diet/exercise at this very moment, but I’m still feeling OK and hoping to get in a good long walk this weekend. TGIF.