A couple of weeks ago, a friend from college — who I’ve largely lost touch with since — asked me to be her friend on Facebook. I accepted, and then spent a lot of time scruitinizing her photos. Why? Well, I know from Googling, and from another friend, that she had weight loss surgery. And I am jealous.
I have mostly been trying to be at peace with myself at my current weight, and thinking I merely need to start exercising and eating better for my health, not for my appearance. But seeing this friend’s pictures, and observing my reaction to them, makes me realize that there’s a part of me that really would like to just be in a normal weight range. To be able to buy clothes in a normal store, or feel that, occasionally, I looked nice. These are things I long for. But how to achieve them?
I have rambled around, seemingly endlessly, on this blog, going from potential solution to potential solution — Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, home-delivered meals, anti-fat pills, mindful eating. It’s kind of depressing to think about it, actually. And I’ve gone through steady periods — 2 nine-month pregnancies — of not worrying about it much at all. But nothing has really stuck.
And it scares me, to really TRY something, to embark upon a journey of hope, and potentially of failure. Again. But it’s also clear that something has got to change. I catch myself, during times of stress — which is almost always, nowadays — stuffing my face with sweets, or whatever’s at hand, really. I seem to always need to be extremely full, but I don’t pay much attention to whether I’m hungry, or satisfied. My portion sizes are really crazy. I am almost always, always eating. Needless to say, it’s bad news — both for my health (mental) and for my appearance.
So, I’ve been pondering joining Weight Watchers online again. They have a new mobile application that I could use on my phone. Maybe I just need a little shock to the system — something to get me back in tune with my body, eating more fruit and vegetables, and aware of proper portion sizes. Obviously, I also need some exercise. I’ve got a bit of a plan in that regard.
And then there’s the part of me that just wants to SCREAM. I can’t believe I’m writing a post like this AGAIN! Haven’t I made ANY progress in all this time? *Sigh* I’m too hard on myself, I know. I’ve had two kids, nursing them both for quite a long time (9 months for #1, going on 7 for #2). I’ve moved across the country twice. I’ve settled into a marriage. I’ve held two pretty-demanding jobs. I just haven’t quite gotten the food and exercise thing right, and it’s festering.