I’ve read many fatblogs that explore the experience of coming down in sizes. You suddenly notice your cheekbones; your clothes start looking baggy; you consider having a tummy-tuck to get rid of loose skin when you reach your goal weight. Well, I’m experiencing a lot of that now…. but backward.
What’s happening to me is that I’m noticing my legs rub together more; I’m noticing my back hurt; I’m feeling the fat rolls on my back for the first time; I’m feeling so stuffed and uncomfortable after eating. I’m looking closely at recent pictures of me, and really taking in what other people see. It’s a crazy thing.
What’s even crazier is that I think this is a good thing. It shows I’m actually noticing and feeling my body, if not looking at it in the mirror every chance I get. Much of the time — and this is probably easier because I am married and not looking for a partner — I go around thinking of myself as a disembodied head. I look at my face in the mirror, and I’m conscious of my mind and my thoughts, but it’s almost like I’m in denial that I even have a body. I suppose one side of me hopes I “hit bottom” and get fed up (pun intended) with the way I look and feel, so I can be motivated to change my ways.
Well, I am doing a few things. One is re-reading “The Rules of Normal Eating,” which is helping me focus on some of the emotions and judgments I have around eating. Second is scheduling an appointment for an annual (probably my first in 4 years) physical work-up. Last time, testing found my cholesterol slightly elevated and the doctor recommended I modify my eating and exercise routine. Since then I gained 40 lbs or so in pregnancy, and lost most, but not all, of the “baby weight.” Not facing the situation isn’t doing me any good, I know. I just need to see what’s really going on in those veins and arteries of mine. Third is trying to go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier, so I can resume my morning treadmill routine. If not that, I need to break out my abdominal exercise video, to try to combat this emerging back pain.
My hope, of course, is that these unpleasant fat-piling-on sensations will disappear in time, because the fat is disappearing. Then I’ll look back at this time in my life and say, oh, well… thank goodness that’s over.