In recent weeks — especially this past weekend when I declined to get out of bed for most of the day on Saturday — I’ve concluded that I may just be too depressed to do what I need to do.
I set my alarm every morning for 6 a.m., and, fairly reliably, I re-set it for 7. I put off doing the dishes until the sink runneth over. I often don’t shower on weekends (TMI, I know…). I wear ratty, ugly shoes (black, worn with white socks), loose yoga pants and maternity tops. (Not to work, but the rest of the time.) I think murky thoughts about my future, always managing to find the worst possible outcome to focus upon.
I think I’ve really been depressed. It’s not like I haven’t experienced this, historically. I’ve been on medication in the past, but not since I was pregnant with the boy. So, in my very slow way, I finally managed to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. And today I went.
It was kind of odd sitting down and telling him why I was there. I was so nervous going in — and my morning coffee might have heightened that feeling. But the strangest part was how I really felt the urge to burst into tears, when I thought about the way I’ve been feeling lately. I genuinely had to hold myself back, with this complete stranger. I’m not contemplating suicide or anything at that level, but it’s been extremely hard to think very positively about my future. There’s still the overhanging sadness of my mother’s death (1998), and a pregnancy that had a heartbreaking outcome (2003). Now, I’m all by myself in taking care of a 19-month-old. My husband’s job situation is strange and tenuous, and he’s pretty much away from home all the time. My job is fun, but stressful and time-consuming. Where is the joy?
I’m hoping the prescription I got today, for bupropion SR (aka Wellbutrin), will help me find some. I already feel some placebo-effect positivity peeking through the clouds. The medicine isn’t the final answer, I know, but maybe it will help me get motivated to do the exercise and healthier eating that I know I need to be doing.
The saga continues…