Sometimes I wonder where I get the energy to keep starting again. This time, I feel like I’ve really "hit bottom," to use the addict’s language. I hesitate to look back through this blog to figure out whether I’ve thought this before. 
No, this time it’s for real, and I’m spending big dough to make it so. What with the time pressures of work and child, I’ve settled on trying one of those programs where they deliver a week’s worth of food to you at once, and that (and only that) is your sustenance to rely upon. No choices, no decisions. As with JC, it may not be the best way to learn how to eat properly, but it’s at least giving me a sense of proper portion size, and helping me shrink my stomach so it’s satisfied with that amount. Hopefully it’ll at least be a jump start.
I’m doing a lower-carb option, but that didn’t keep me from eating french toast (1 slice) with cream cheese and jelly, and eggs for breakfast this a.m. Pretty darned good, I must say. But the whole rest of the time at work I get a tiny packet of mixed nuts and a v.s. burrito with rice and sour cream. Plus lots of water and tea, I would imagine.
Why do I think it’s for real this time? The whole delivery thing is super easy and takes away many of the difficulties I’ve had in the past with logistics. But I also know myself well enough to know I could come up with excuses why this isn’t going to work, just like I’ve come up with excuses in the past. Still, the last few days — culminating in my recent birthday — I’ve been thinking a lot about myself, and my life, and what I want to be. A few thoughts.
* I’m 38 now, and, god willing, I have only lived less than half my life. I’ve gotta make this body last a long long time if I want to be healthy and active by the time the boy is in college or getting married or something.
* I look around me and I see people managing to fit exercise into their lives. A colleague rode his bike in to work yesterday, and that’s 30 miles. Well, he took public transport for much of it, but 40 minutes (across the GG bridge) was biking. Gotta like that. It honestly won’t fit into my limited-by-day-care schedule, but who’s to say I don’t go out for a bike immediately upon getting home from work, with the boy in his trailer?
* I have been looking in the mirror a lot lately and have realized how profoundly I’ve been fooling myself. I’ve been thinking, "oh, I’m a little chubby," or "I could stand to lose a few pounds," but when I really look, I see I really am obese, just like those BMI charts say I am. I feel a little like Melissa at Suburban Bliss described in a post yesterday. I have been neglecting myself, I am miserable and I have got to do something.
And so I am. Now.