My Body, My Blog

Well, I’ve joined Weight Watchers online. Again. Hubby has been really helpful this time — probably more than ever before. Last night, we talked over how I’d been doing, points-wise, the last few days. That’s very unusual for him, as he usually is pretty uninterested.

Today was actually my first weekly weigh-in. I didn’t lose anything, but, I also didn’t gain, despite attendance at a business conference which was awash with delicious, free, free-flowing food. So, I’m feeling pretty positive. I get tons of points as a serious fatty, which makes things easier, as well. My treadmill is repaired (though my son wails every time I turn it on). One step at a time.

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I am loving my new pressure cooker. I feel like a total cooking nerd for even mentioning it. Every time I’ve mentioned it in passing to my real world friends, I get quizzical looks, even though I honestly think pressure cooking is the next big trend. It lets me cook much more economically and healthily, and quickly. Beans and lentils and rice and tougher cuts of meat — all cook well and much more quickly in the pressure cooker. (For anyone not turned off by this talk, check out Miss Vickie’s site — the pressure cooker bible.)

1. Cooking/eating more vegetarian, especially beans/legumes & veggies.
   
2. Paying more attention to portion sizes and my own satiety.
   
3. Drinking more coffee. (No milk. No sugar.)
   
4. Investigating things like a pressure cooker which will make cooking faster/easier.
   

And NOT doing…

1. So far, no exercise.
   

One thing at a time, I suppose. One good sign is that I’m hungrier, which means I’m eating a little less and waiting for hunger before eating.

The air was thick with humidity and clouds hovered overhead, but it was pleasantly cool early yesterday morning. As I approached the arch at Grand Army Plaza, just outside Prospect Park, I imagined how I would appear to the folks I was meeting. I wore yoga pants, a t-shirt, a baseball cap, and running shoes. I’d kept my sneakers adorned with the bright red strip of paper that the New York Road Runners Club had used to time my last event, thinking it provided some measure of cool — just the way I sometimes leave ski lift passes on jackets until they disintegrate. And I wore my heart rate monitor. Hey, why buy all the gadgets unless you use them when the occasion suits?

The occasion was the start of a free running training program put on by Weight Watchers — I applaud them for this, big time, as I think group support for exercise is a hugely important thing. I’d signed up probably months ago and promptly forgot all about it, until the trainer called me, saying the e-mail address I’d given had been bouncing. One letter had been left out. That call had been the wake-up I needed, perhaps, as it’s been a tough few weeks, emotionally and eating-wise.

I’ve been dealing with everything from job interviews to getting special education services for the boy to slowly winding down breast feeding with the baby (hormones gone wild!). Oh, and that’s not even mentioning the whole “attempting to move across the country and starting a family business” thing, which is posing lots and lots of challenges, both in my own emotions and in my relationship with my husband.

There were around 8 or 10 of us to show up at the meeting spot yesterday, everyone really friendly — mostly women but 2 men, as well. I was probably the biggest person there, or at least equivalent to the biggest. We warmed up, we stretched, and then we alternated walking and running, chatting with each other and enjoying the morning in the leafy green shaded park. Afterwards, I felt amazing, and I exchanged contact info with one of my fellow walk/runners, hoping that we can do some of our “homework” together during the week before our next meeting on Saturday.

This is a very very good thing for me. I’ve always been most successful in exercise when I’ve had a buddy, or even a group, to exercise with. Sure, running is usually pretty solitary, but having someone to meet, and someone to talk with, makes a huge difference to me. Back in the mid-90’s, I completed a marathon doing something similar to this Saturday training program. We met every Saturday and did a long run as a big group, and I trained during the week with a friend who ran at a similar pace. At the time, I was working two jobs. Not quite as challenging of a schedule as I have now, but it was relatively intense.

The culmination of this training program? A 5K run over the Brooklyn Bridge. Sounds fun, huh? I’m looking forward to it.

Was my last post mysterious enough?

Well, it’s all still a bit mysterious to me, too, but here’s how it went down. My husband has been frustrated with his work situation for a very long time. It’s not that he worries about the security of his job or anything, but he feels supremely underutilized, and surrounded by people who are squandering opportunities to do positive things for the company. He’s just not the kind of guy to sit around collecting a paycheck, so, over time, he’s been bitten by the entrepreneur bug. He wants to start his own business — desperately — and he has for many years.

I’ve generally been very against the idea, to be honest. We have two kids now, and it seems crazy to me to jeopardize the security we have to pursue something he has no experience doing. And, because of the line of work he’s in, going into business for himself requires a big investment of money, and a continuing investment as things proceed. It’s not like it would be for me if I were to become a freelance writer — that would mean we’d lose the security of a regular paycheck, but we wouldn’t incur any additional costs for equipment, office space, etc. So, this business idea has always struck me as a pretty huge dramatic risk.

I’m not sure exactly what has changed. He got a bit more experience at work so I feel more comfortable that he knows what he’s doing. I’m getting a little more frustrated in my own job and could use a fresh start. And, most importantly, we started talking about the changes we’d need to make to start a business — the primary one being that we’d need to reduce our living expenses so we could live on one income… mine. That just doesn’t seem possible in New York.

So, one day, we were chatting on instant messenger, when the idea of moving to my home state of Texas came up. Austin now supports some industry that’s at least tangentially related to what I do. And Texas would offer the additional advantage of being closer to my family — a couple of cousins live in Austin and another is moving nearby this summer. Then, my dad would be in driving distance, as would be my aunts, uncles and other cousins. We could go to birthday parties, anniversary celebrations, etc. The boys would have the opportunity of getting to know their family in a way that is impossible right now, and we’d have the advantage of developing those relationships more, as well. It’s really the most natural thing in the world. And it now seems possible.

All we have to do is raise $ to buy a bunch of equipment, get me a job, find a new home, and haul the whole family across the country again. Simple!

It’s been kind of a crazy few days. My family is basically in the throes of a big ongoing serious financial discussion that promises to change the status quo, one way or another. And it’s very upsetting and stressful to me. I’m the kind of gal who loves a routine, and enjoys getting all familiar and sentimental and in a groove. Alas, my husband sees HIS current groove (employment-wise) as a rut, and he’s running around upsetting things, trying desperately to shake them up. My instinct is to just hope his feelings go away — I’ve been clinging to this hope for years now — but I’m pretty sure they won’t, and we’re headed for major change.

What does this have to do with diet, health and fitness? Well, it turns out I do pretty well, diet-wise, unless I’m stressed or lonely or….

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I wrote that a few weeks ago, and I was right… now we are looking at moving, yes… moving. This time it’s pretty major, involving changing jobs, changing states, selling major assets. It might as well be changing countries, our expected lifestyle will be so different. Hopefully we’ll also be less poor, we’ll have more room, and we’ll be closer to family. Fingers crossed.

I’ve always resisted affirmations. For one thing, they usually sound so cheesy and new-agey, and who really believes that saying something can make it so? (All of the fans of “The Secret,” that’s who.) Anyway, I just thought it wasn’t for me.

This time around, however, I’m finding myself naturally, spontaneously, looking for positive things to think, to replace the negative things that normally fill my mind. I hesitate to even give the negative things the brain space they’ll occupy as I get them onto paper, but I mean things like, “I’ve been on WW so many times and failed,” and “I’m so deprived, why can’t I eat like a normal person?” Instead, I’m trying to come up with positive ideas — not crazy out-there ideas, but realistic down-to-earth things to think. Things like, “I am eating things that help my body work better,” and “I’m progressing to a place where eating healthy will feel more natural,” and “I love fresh fruits and vegetables, when they’re prepared well.”

I’m consciously deciding not to focus on some fuzzy future in which I can wear size 10 clothes and do a triathlon. When I start thinking about stuff like that, I inevitably get discouraged by the distance between that future and today’s reality. But the idea that I love broccoli (true, by the way!) is an easy and good one to keep in mind. The idea that this is a process — “every day, in every way, it’s getting better and better” — is a useful one, too.

Whenever those icky “I am a failure” ideas — complete hooey, by the way — come into my mind, I want to have something positive to combat them. Mental jujitsu. I wonder how many activity points that will net me…

Well, by some standards, my first few days on WW would be considered a miserable failure. I went WAY over on points, even counting the weekly “extras,” and this was just in the first three days or so. Thankfully, I’m not measuring myself by those standards!

I am looking at this whole endeavor as a long-term weight loss “caper” (to channel DG), where WW is helping me gauge the amounts and types of things I need to eat to lose weight. There will be learning along the way, and I’ll modify my habits to bring them in line with my goal. So far, I’ve learned that I need to keep lots more fruits, vegetables and other no- or low-point items in the house. I need to cook side dishes (I am the queen of the “one dish” meal) that are low in points, so I have something to munch on when the main dish is a bit rich, but not filling enough.

So far, I’m not giving up the “no artificial sweeteners” and “no fat-free dairy” mandate that I stated here a while back. I just plan to have smaller portions of “the good stuff” (TM).

Today is my first WW meeting. Actually I missed the first meeting because I failed to remember daylight savings time. But I’m going to meeting #2 of the day in just a few minutes. And I’m starting my WW week afresh.

I weighed myself this morning before jumping in the shower. The number I saw — 229 — was not only very close to 230, but it was also more than 10 pounds more than what I once thought was my “set point.” Slowly, or not so slowly, I’ve been inching up, day by day. My recent vacation didn’t help, either.

There in the shower, I finally came to a conclusion: I need to join Weight Watchers. My appetite and portion sizes, not to mention my food choices, have just become so out of whack that I need a jolt to the system. I need a little guidance to reacquaint myself which what’s normal, what’s good for me. Maybe it won’t need to last for long, but even a few weeks of being on program will help me get my bearings. Doing nothing is just getting me fatter, so I’ve got to do something positive.

So, I did. I came to work and took a minute or two to sign up for a monthly pass, which will get me access to all the online tools and as many meetings as I want. I got hubby’s blessing to do a meeting every weekend in our neighborhood. It’s only been 1/2 day, but I can see this continuing very successfully.

Because I’m still nursing the baby, I get some extra points — which I honestly feel like I need because I get low-blood-sugar crashes pretty easily. Generally, though, I think nursing is slowing down, as the baby is 9 months old today and eating plenty of solid food. So it’s getting to be time for me to take back my body — for good, this time, as I don’t expect to be getting pregnant again. I just need to make better choices more consistently, and ditch some of the needless extras that have added calories, without adding much satisfaction.

That step on the scale this morning comes after a vacation in which I reflected quite a bit. I also got to see myself through the eyes of my visiting brother and sister-in-law and their kids, and I wasn’t pleased with the picture. I also got to do some ice skating and skiing, which reminded me of the active athletic person I am, inside. It’s been a good week or so of thinking, and I honestly think I’m ready. I can’t imagine that this won’t be without some stops and starts — especially as I haven’t really planned out possible dinners for the family (a very important step!) — but I think it will come together and give me some much-needed awareness. For now, I’m actually feeling very full, after a vegetable-heavy salad lunch. I’m eager to continue along these lines.